of the Hill
Connie & Luanne Episode
Out for Peggy!
Scene I The Town Assembly
next day, Lucky sings as he heads home.
Oh, the Yellow Rose of Texas, I married her last year,
soon we meet again, we will talk over a beer
Lucky approaches the front door, a message is taped on it.
Were having a public
meeting at Strickland Propane.
See you there.
cant figure out what it could be for, but goes back to his truck,
and heads there anyway.
public forum is held at Strickland Propane without Peggys
knowledge. Everybody has a complaint about Peggys abrasive
Now-now, everybody calm down. I know Peggy can be rough sometimes,
but theres no need for the shouting.
room falls silent, as everyone stares collectively at Hank.
Stroup chuckles for a bit, then speaks up.
Stroup: Hank, you seem to be gravelly underestimating the
trouble your wife causes on everyone.
She yells at me when Im in a poor mood!
She once kidnapped that kid from Mexico!
She once ruined my chances of finishing high school, and nearly
ruined my relationship with Lulu!
shares a complaint of the terrible things Peggy has done to them over
the years. The collective rants last for three hours.
She once ruined my Thanksgiving turkey!
She got dang ol tied up with that coke head who pretended to be
She pretended to be a nun.
She nearly ruined Hanks football video over a technicality.
Its Arlenite, dammit. ARLENITE!!
remaining complaints dissipate into moaning, crying, and grumbling.
frazzled Hank speaks up.
Okay. I get it.
Stroup: Its about time you did, Hank. If I wasnt so
exhausted, Id accuse you of being in a negligent marriage.
I get it. Theres got to be something we can do. Any
I say we kill her.
(firmly): No one is getting killed.
I was thinking more tars and feathers.
the group shouts suggestions, Luanne and Connie creep away.
This has gotten out of control!
Youre telling me! How could they let Mrs. Hill get away with so
much crap for so long?
Youre smart, Connie. Think of a solution that doesnt
involve physical torture.
thinks for a moment.
I cant think of anything. But I know someone who can.
soon, at the Souphanousinphones, Luanne and Connie explain their
predicaments to Kahn and Minh, both of whom have stayed out of the
arguments the whole time.
So you see, Mom, Mrs. Gribble is one the verge of a breakdown, and
Mrs. Hill has turned the whole neighborhood upside-down.
And if we dont do something, Mr. Gribble is going to get hurt
Nothing doing. The last thing I want is to hear more of Peggys
narcissistic jabbering. You girls are on your own.
We want no part in this. All those redneck neighbors out
therefighting, yelling, pointing fingers at each otherjust like
old hillbilly movies.
them fight! Great entertainment.
& Connie fall to their knees in front of Minh and start begging
Please, Mrs. Soup. You got to help us!
Please, Mommy! I cant take much more of this!
Aunt Peggy said mean things about my Lucky!
Mrs. Hill has that evil look in her eyes!
She keeps us up all night!
I want to see my Joseph again!
Well give you candy!
Alright, alright. Ill think of something.
you girls owe me one.
Well do anything. Just name it.
Hmmyou, Luanne, clean our pool. And you, Khan Jr. mow the lawn.
Both for a month.
Dont stop there, Minh. We get the whole house and yard cleaned
from top to bottom. We have our own personal maids.
and Minh share a laugh, while Luanne and Connie stare apprehensively
at each other.
Nah. Just do the pool and lawn. Got it?
& Connie: Got it.
Okay, lets go.
II The Showdown
as the meeting is about to adjourn, with no one knowing how to deal
with Peggy, the door bursts open. It is Peggy.
Peggy! Um, uh, we were just going over quarterly reviews from last
Spare me your lies!
see whats happening. An old-fashioned intervention meeting. Well
game over, heathens!
Stroup: Peggy Hill, How dare you!
How dare I? You aint heard nothing yet!
I have something very important to tell you.
Peggy, you cant–
Stay out of this, Hank!
is not who she seems to be. Dale, she and John Redcorn have—
she can say anything else, the door bursts open again.
marches in bravely. Khan follows close behind.
and Connie peek in on the conversation from behind the door.
Alright Peggy Hillbilly, enough chat. Its time for a pop quiz.
How dare you! Im the educator here! I give the
Blah blah blah. Just read here, Section F-5 (tosses her the
Arlen Bystander newspaper)
(reading): How to Tell If You Are a Good Matriarchal
Figure. A Ten Question Quiz Determining the Best Parents of
Minh): I sure as hell am not taking this! I know for a
fact that I am a perfect mother/wife.
(mutters): In a pigs eye.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Thats right, afraid that you will expose yourself for the
hypocrite that you really are.
I am not a hypocrite! You and Kahn–
BWAK BWAK! Big fat chicken! You squawk all day like Foghorn
Leghorn! BWAK BAWK!
Thats it! Youre on!
pulls out a list of correct answers that she recorded on a notepad
from having previously taken the quiz herself.
Question #1: Do you have a good relationship with at least one of
your own parents?
(uneasily): Um, just my father.
Okay. (marks 10 points)
#2: How often do you listen to your spouse/life partner?
interrupts Peggy just as shes about to answer.
Not very often.
Silence! No outside help!
a minuteyou didnt agree to wear contacts, did you Hank?
Hank has told me repeatedly that he disapproves of contact
lenses. (marks zero points)
What the fuHank, youre supposed to be on my side!
just crosses his arms and looks the other way.
Question #3: Do you have a job in or out of the house?
marks down another zero.
quiz boils down to Question 10.
Okay, Peggy. Thats nine questions, and you only have forty
points. Ready for your last question?
Question #10: How is your overall self-esteem, as a parent, a
spouse, a friend, and for yourself?
I happen to have great self-esteem. Nobody makes Spaghetti and
Meetballs or apple brown betty the way I do. Thats why theyre
called SpaPeggy and Meetballs and Apple Brown Peggy.
think about this. The last nine questions are what make up the
correct answer for the last one. You have no job, you insecure about
feet size, youre unfaithful to your husband, your son, and your
friends. You got half the town in here calling for your head.
Theres still gonna be violence, right?
Also, the fact that you name two ordinary recipes, Spaghetti and
Meetballs and Apple Brown Betty after yourself, and without a patent,
shows that you think very low of yourself. So what if you had cooking
problems with your mom? Dont make your problems everybody
elses. (marks a big fat zero)
score: Forty points. Which states: You are in serious need of
parental counseling, or any kind of therapy to make a better person
of you and for your loved ones.
murmurs in agreement. Connie and Luanne smiles together.
Come on! Its just a stupid newspaper quiz! Surely, nobody took
this thing seriously?!
My Minh scored a perfect one-hundred on that stupid newspaper
And I scored an eighty-five.
Aw, no matter what the quiz proves, youll always be my
one-hundred points, Nancy.
Oh, Sug(the two kiss)
And you, Peggy, must have missed todays headline in Section
turns to B-2.
(reading): Recent survey states that ninety-nine percent of
Arlen moms qualify as good parents. The one-percent is recommended to
get parent counseling as soon as possible.
everyone) But thats crazyI dont need counseling.
I beg to differ. You, Peggy Hill, are your own worst enemy.
applauds, as Peggy stands in the center of the ring mystified.
You stupid BITCH!!
yells and lunges toward Minh, and the two women fall to the floor.
Peggy swings a sharp blow at Minhs right cheek, and the two begin
scuffling. Connie and Luanne duck under the desk.
Somebody stop her! Shes gone insane!
I save you, Minh!
rushes to rescue Minh. But while the women continue fighting, Peggy
inadvertently punches Kahn in the guts. He flops to the floor.
dials his cell phone while the crowd shouts at the fight.
the struggle, both of Peggys cracked lenses drop to the ground.
Kahn tries to catch his breath.
police break the door down.
officer 1: Freeze! Whats going on here?
Mrs. Hill has gone insane!
Its a massacre is what it is!
This crazy lady try to kill me!
Ill do more than that when Im through with you, Minh!!!
lifts her left arm. But the police officers arm their guns at her.
officer 2: Put your hands in the air. Youre under arrest
for public assault.
officers cuff Peggys wrists as Hank and Kahn help a wounded Minh
THIS IS NOT OVER, MINH!!! YOU HEAR ME, BITCH?!
Dale, NANCY AND JOHN REDCORN —
officer 1 shoves a piece of industrial-sized tape over Peggys
mouth before she can say anything else.
officer 2: Keep it to yourself, harpy.
screaming is muffled as her face turns red. She squirms and faces to
Hank as if shes telling him to help her.
just lowers his head in shame.
continues squirming and making muffled cries as her eyes fill with
tears. The officers escort her to the car. Bobby watches in horror as
her mom leaves.
car leaves. The assembly at Strickland Propane breaks up.
and Connie, having hidden behind a desk the whole time, both emerge
You girls okay?
Yeah, were fine. But that was some scary stuff!
Poor Aunt Peggy. Well, at least its all over.
No its not!
Khan Jr., are grounded for disobeying me. I keep telling you to stay
away from Peggy Hillbilly!
you, Luanne, you not my daughter, but are still grounded for letting
my daughter disobey me!
on, girls, lets go!
grabs both Luanne and Connie by the ears as she walks them off to
III The Jailbird
Peggy is sitting in jail.
I dont belong here. People can never appreciate my intelligence
for what it is.
some heavy breathing comes from Peggys back. She turns around, and
sees a large, gruff female. The inmate looks lustfully at Peggy.
Peggy(echoing over a full moon):
IV – The Resolution
following week, the Saturday is a bright and sunny one.
the Hills house, Bobby is happily listening to music in his room.
Hank has just gotten his new pair of glasses. He lets out a fresh
sigh as he sees clearly through his new prescription. He then starts
to pet Ladybird, whos sleeping on the couch.
at the Souphanousinphones, Connie is mowing the lawn and Luanne is
cleaning the swimming pool. Minh is sitting on the front lawn with a
cast on her right wing.
turns off the mower momentarily. Luanne walks up to the lawn.
MomIm sorry again for what happened.
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Start trimming those weeds!
trots to the garage to grab a pair of shears. She is joined by
Luanne, who stopped to get Minh a glass of pink lemonade.
(whispering): Hows it going?
(whispering): Ive had better days.
AhListen, I cant talk long. Got more yard work to do.
and Lucky suddenly walk up.
& Luanne: Shhh!
(whispering): Hows it goin?
Weve had better days. (Luanne nods)
are you doing?
Excellent. Today, its just me, my dad, and Lucky.
(whispering): Mr. Gribble is taking me and Joseph out for
some baseball. See ya at home, cutie pie.
and Luanne wave goodbye as Joseph and Lucky leave.
Joseph is quite happy. You dont think he knows, do you?
Hopefully not for a long, long time. The important thing is that
we saved Mr. and Mrs. Gribbles marriage.
evening, John Redcorn pays the Gribbles a visit. He rings the
doorbell, and Nancy answers.
UmHi, Nancy. I just came by to see if everything is okay.
Im alright, John.
I just didnt intend for this whole thing to get out of hand.
No, Sug, Im the one who should be sorry. I take advantage of my
husbands oblivion for fourteen years. What kind of wife am I?
Some wives never go back to their original commitments. Consider
I must be going. From this moment forward, were just
I wouldnt have it any other way, Sug. (kisses John)
John leaves, he and Nancy waves goodbye. Nancy shuts the door.
Who was it?
It was John.
Really? Another migraine headache, I presume?
Yeah, but I turned it down. I think Ill just start taking
know, Peggy seemed to know something about you two that I dont
looks questioningly at Nancy.
looks remorsefully at Dale.
after a long pause, Dale lowers his head in disappointment.
Im so, so sorry, Sug. (starts to cry as Dale holds her)
Its okay, Nancy. Some things in this world are better left